As the past few weeks have progressed,
I have felt a good cry brewing up. I didn’t know when it was going to happen, or why, I just could feel it coming. With me being stressed about moving to Germany, trying to fill my social calendar to the brim, maintaining a strict weekly TV agenda, not to mention my constant battle between self-loathing and self-loving… It was just bound to happen.
Picture this: me cleaning out my closet.. unearthing happy memories via photos, stuffed animals (fluffy the white cat, Lambchop, Bones the Beanie Baby), Easter dresses, band sweatshirts…
OK so last year I was in the best shape of my life. And in a year’s time, I have slowly but SURELY gained some weight (and now everyone will notice now that I’ve said something, if they haven’t already). WHY did I think trying on my dresses would be a good idea???? why????
I tried on a dress I wore to a wedding last summer, about a month after I ran the marathon. It was tight then. So when my mom did all she could do (short of force-feeding me fast-acting laxatives) to get the clasp above the zipper done, and then… wait for it… NOT ONLY does it not zip.. but the clasp actually pops off and skids across the kitchen floor.. I lost it. Full on storming up to my room, ripping the dress off, throwing myself on the bed, and sobbing to “My Body Is a Cage” (thanks, Arcade Fire).
And I’m not saying these extra pounds are [that] noticeable [to people other than me], or that now i’m like the fattest person ever.. just that i’m disappointed in myself for working so hard and then letting it all go. SO DEPRESSED.
